Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
