Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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