Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
