This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
