Swine flu. Run for my life!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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