I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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