I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
