dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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