A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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