Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
