Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
