I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize