My friends, they love my intelligence
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
