where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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