the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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