So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Your dad touched me again.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
