No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
