You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
