I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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