youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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