woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
