you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
