Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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