Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
