I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
