someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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