Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
