I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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