My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
