the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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