the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
