I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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