Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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