genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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