Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize