my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
