the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
