my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
