im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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