i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
