I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
