i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
