ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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