it's too hot outside to masturbate.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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