You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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