dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
