dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
