I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
