god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
