She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If I die, sorry about rent.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, itâs that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He said I have the âDenzel Washingtonâ of vaginas.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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