I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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