I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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