taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
