I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
