Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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