I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
